Palm Sunday Midnight
In a darkened kitchen by a window
overlooking black, I think of Holy Week and what my Christ bore for my
soul. No moon, no stars, just blackness,
and a sense of hope brimming over in the darkness.
And I write with a full heart…as my
sweet friend tells it “I am drinking from the saucer ‘cause my cup is
overflowing”.
Today SMC was amazing with the
response to confess and come, reclaim and start again, to surrender because “you
will never be amazed by grace unless you are broken by your sin”. Today I surrendered…not in the conventional card
signing manner, but one that has been laying hard on my heart since July.
Today I said honestly…”anything
Lord”. Most will not understand how
scary those words have been in my ears for the past 9 months, but like birthing
a baby, it takes time and pain of letting go to witness a birth or a new
beginning.
The boldness and tossing aside fear of
approval have come to a head and the fire within has sparked a risk taking
attitude. Lord, I will do anything…for
you, anything.
I once read a quote that said “To risk
is to willingly place your life in the hand of an unseen God and an unknown
future, then watch him come through. He
starts to get real when you live like that.”
A question was asked of me this year:
“If God is real…than what?” and I have been wrestling with those words…turning
them over…hiding from them…burning them into my heart and posting them on the
bathroom mirror sticky note gallery.
“If God is real…then what?” Then he created me with a purpose and a
passion and I needed to discover them.
So I read books, and I talked to
others who read books and were searching as well and we drank coffee, tea,
and water together and got gut honest about our darkness and our hopes and our
fears and our dreams. We allowed each
other to speak aloud what had been simmering under the surface of our lives,
always turning down the “heat” when it threatened to bubble over.
The author, Jennie Allen, speaks of
her writing “…books about God.
…books
about us and God… books about facing the God of the universe and answering to
Him about the life and the resources that he gave us while we were here.”
“…books
about discovering ourselves and getting over ourselves all at the same time…books
about being brave enough to imagine a better world and how we may be used to
make it that way…books about changing the world”
“…books
about fears and suffering and joy and gifts… books about all that lays in our
control and how nothing is in our control…books about vision and obedience.”
Today I said “anything Lord”…I fell
into obedience.
“If God is real…then he is big enough
to see my courage build and boldness replace the timidity of my being. He is big enough to face evil and strike it
down and bring the light into the world.
It is still dark in this world outside
my kitchen window but the bright light of Christ is ever so faintly glimmering
in the pre-Holy Week midnight preparing for the dawn…we have a way to go to
reach the Easter morn and the way will be risky…but I said “anything Lord” and
I believe He is real.
Lovingyougood…sd
No comments:
Post a Comment