I wear a thin blue ribbon tied in a
knot on my right wrist.
The blue ribbon is a reminder of a
covenant I made with God in 2004…
I believe that God is who
He says He is
I believe that God can do
what He says He can do
I believe that I am who
God says I am
Simple words…when I was
struggling to tie the ribbon on using a square know that couldn’t come undone I
had no way of knowing God had a plan for that knot that could not come undone
and the blue ribbon that became a constant.
I believe that it was no coincidence
that I receive the blue ribbon one year before Robby’s death…God knows what is
needed and where we will look for Him…and always there was the stilled voice
“do you believe…do you trust?” Will the
knot hold tight?
December 2005…still wearing the knotted
blue ribbon that seemed to be holding me together so that I would not crumble
into pieces.
There
were cold winter days where darkness fell earlier and earlier and the night
hovered over my shoulder with no hope of light…where touching the knotted blue
ribbon brought a peace that would stand guard over my heart…I believe that God can do what He says He
can do. Satan you are not going to
win.
There were mornings when at last I had
no choice but to open my eyes and look into a lost world…I believe that God is who He says He is brought comfort that He was
steadfast and unmoving and had not forsaken me…the knot held.
There were trips away from my safety
net of home where I wanted to wear body armor to protect myself from people and
their stares and their hugs and their kind words that I didn’t know how to
respond to…I am who God says I am
gave me the strength to walk bravely into life.
The blue ribbon sent the fear
scuttling away…Mark 5:35 says Do not be
seized with alarm and struck with fear, only keep believing and I kept
believing God...trusting that He is unchangeable…knowing he is unmovable. He was keeping his word and loving me without
measure.
He
can do what he says he can do
Lamenatations 3:19-24 became a life
saving red thread of hope in the face of overwhelming fear that my life could
not be mended after crumbling to many disjointed pieces.
The thought
of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter
beyond words.
I will
never forget this awful time,
as I grieve
over my loss.
YET I STILL
DARE TO HOPE
when I
remember this:
The
unfailing love of the Lord never ends!
By his
mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Great is
his faithfulness;
his mercies
begin afresh each day.
I say to
myself,
‘The Lord
is my inheritance;
therefore I
will hope in him!
The knot
became tighter. I believed God.
October 2008 found me in the NICU at
DUMC holding my firstborn grandson who only had hours to stay with us. This time the blue ribbon took on a different
meaning…it became a weapon. Fear was
standing me down…kicking trust out the door and then the words came…do you trust me?
Could I trust Him with this precious
soul that still had the look of heaven in his swollen eyes? Could I trust Him in loving my daughter and her
husband back into life? Could I trust
that was hope to be found? Could I trust
Him to dare think about a future? Fear
was sauntering in that NICU proudly boasting an anticipated victory when the
blue ribbon spoke in my heart…
I
believe that God is who he says he is…I believe that God can do what he says he
can do…I believe that I am who God says I am…I believe God.
And fear began his retreat as peace
rushed in and trust began its reign in that sacred space. And baby Murray offered us a little smile.
In 2012 I found myself once again in a
NICU looking at my feisty granddaughter proving the doctors wrong with their
first hesitant words about her chances to survive. Her beautiful mother had risked her life with
scary emergency surgery to give life to this tiny wisp of a girl and this time
I boldly initiated the blue ribbon mantra…I
believe that God is who he says he is and he can do what he says he can do and
I am who he says I am…and fear was not allowed in and trust deepened as the
knot tightened more.
The summer of 2013 my mother dropped
dead…just as she would have scripted it if she had been asked. I became an earthly orphan…both parents and
my only sibling were gone…I had no extended family of aunts and uncles…this
time fear did not walk in, but loneliness did, and once again the blue ribbon
answered boldly…I believe God. I am
who he says I am…without my earthly family.
Do you
know what a touchstone is? The definition: a black siliceous stone related to
flint and formerly used to test the purity of gold and silver by the streak left on the stone
when rubbed by the metal…a test or criterion for determining the quality or
genuineness of a thing.
The
blue ribbon is my touchstone…it is my stone that I hold up to the refiner’s
firing of gold to ask one more time…is the knot still tied tight Lord? I can trust God…I believe God.
There are not many days that go by
without my touching the blue ribbon.
Life presents challenges daily.
Doubts creep in. Fear raises it
forked tongue. Goliaths appear and
Jericho walls seemingly stand firm…the thin blue piece of knotted grosgrain
ribbon is a constant…a touchstone. Like
God, it is steadfast. It will always be
there…the mark of trust always appearing when I hold it up to God…trust and
peace and love and victory and courage and belief.
I believe and trust God.
Lovingyougood…sd
